dailyeatings

Has Never Had a Real Boyfriend and her friend-of-a-friend Infamously Horny Sex Columnist stand together, trying to stay warm as we enter the second of a nearly three-hour wait for a table for 17 at the local redneck steakhouse. Has Never Had a Real Boyfriend asks Columnist for her advice concerning dealings with men, and begins by describing a rather stilted and chemistry-free “date” she went on last night. Apparently, he had invited Never to come to dinner with some mutual vet student buddies, something she was initially eager to do, until it was discovered that all of these so-called buddies were social commitment-breakers of the highest order, completely ditching out on the two of them, leaving them with no choice but to enjoy a dinner and movie by themselves. It’s amazing that 27-year olds still try to dust off that old chestnut to get girls to go out with them. The next morning, he had called Never and told her the usual spiel, this-and-that about how much he enjoyed the previous night, and how he’d like to see her again soon, whatever. Never relates this story to Columnist, and asks her what she should do to lose this guy as soon as possible without destroying his male ego. She tells Columnist that she doesn’t want to date this guy again, having first prefaced her comments by describing him as nice, generous, physically attractive, intelligent, and “everything you could ask for in a guy.” Undaunted by this high praise, Columnist seems to share in Never’s opinion that this guy is definitely one to lose quickly, and comes up with a couple of supposedly foolproof, if not completely honest, excuses like the one where “you’re an awesome guy, but you just don’t have that one in a million quality” and the ever-popular “I’m really just too busy right now to see somebody seriously.” They both seem to agree that those are serviceable lines, but they could use some more “oomph.” They revise, embellish, toss back and forth ideas, vigorously polishing these turds until my harrumphing and coughing gets both their attentions. Never turns to me and notices here’s a guy, let’s ask what he thinks. What do you think, David, she asks, about this: “I had a lot of fun last night, and you have all the qualities anybody could want in a guy, but there’s that one thing missing.” I smack my forehead in amazement. Never and Columnist’s smiles disappear. Have either of you, I ask in amazement, considered telling him the truth? What about a simple ‘I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with you right now?’ Never and Columnist look at each other in befuddlement, and then turn to me. Please tell me you at least considered it before coming up with these floppy-ass excuses, I say. Well, replies Columnist, I just didn’t want to, like, hurt him. And lying about it would’ve been a better solution? I ask. Well, replies Never, I don’t know. Look, ladies, he’s what, 27? He’s a big boy. He can handle the truth.